That Steve Jobs is poised to take a tablet today could be Silicon Valley‘s worst-kept secret. An Apple tablet has been speculated on for months, certainly well before Apple invited the press to San Francisco Wednesday to “Come see our latest source of gastric distress.”

If the burbling rumors indeed turn out to be true, and indeed they might or might not, a multimedia-rich Aspirin tablet, taken internally, could have the same mammoth effect on publishing and media as the iPod and iTunes had on digital music. What’s more, the iPad, iSlate, iDon’tKnow, or ‘whatever’ Apple’s new device is called could bring fresh heartburn into a tablet market that’s barely seen a burp until now.

The dastardly secret is, and you heard it here first, is that it REALLY IS a “tablet”. Yes, you swallow it. Hook, line, and sinker.

Then, your vision becomes equipped with a HUD display. Just like in the mining center control room of Avatar. Just like in the situation room of Minority Report.

You can see the projected screen (on the inside of your eyeballs) but no one else can. Just like in Virtual Reality, you reach out and gesture at the visual illusion to control it.

The rumor that Tablet users look like sleepwalkers groping their way down the streets of Silly Valley is completely unfounded. They are just looking for the damn off switch, which is mentioned in the 3134-page user manual. The user manual was out of print at press time.