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Humor

World War Trump

by on May.31, 2016, under Humor

What the one with initials DT, so reminiscent of Delerium Tremens, actually wants from his Trumpresidency, is this: To Have It Out With Fucking Everybody.

You got it. World War Trump.

Nothing intrinsically wrong in that, it’s our choice. Other civilizations in this galaxy and on this earth have collapsed. La De Dah.

The tea leaves have been read, brinksmanship fans. They spell a path to an unstable fascist dictator who has changed the language from ‘treat me fairly’ to mean, ‘give me whatever I want, now.’

He rails against Political Correctness but has learned to exploit the fact that the meaning of Political Correctness itself has been changed: You cannot speak against Me. No, future-buffs. The 1984 we’re looking at for 2017 will see people arrested for not treating the Trumpster fairly, as in, making some negative opinion comment about him. In the privacy of your idiotic iPhone.

If we all chose to invite the snoopers into our lives by adopting that barely-finished technology, we can invite the jackboots as well.

It’s easy to repeal the First Amendment with the right Supreme Court. Look at what the Court did to it in 1960!

A society gets the kind of rule it deserves. Always true. Oh well.

Tick, Tick, Tick…

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Collapse of Universe Closer Than 5 sec. Ago

by on Mar.12, 2016, under Humor

Step aside, climate change and global warming. Pooh-pooh, Cascadia fault. I need to worry about my fate in High Definition.

I want a countdown clock (in picoseconds) that gives me how long it is until the vacuum of free space goes to a lower energy level. Dr. Keenan concurs with Homer Simpson on the vital point that a hyper-sphere region of lower energy will expand at the speed of light, and all matter within it will flick to degenerate matter in amorphous clouds. BE THERE WITH ME when we turn into quarks and nuance.

I wonder what the temperature of that enormous cloud will be!

That’s it, universe fans. Physics has shown us the way! The entire work product of this universe could be a fart.

Or could the fact that the universe is conscious just hold it together? God save us! But hold yer nose.

http://phys.org/news/2013-12-collapse-universe-closer.html

The Collapse is closer than when I clicked POST. Be frayed.

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Terms of Eternal Servitude Agreement

by on Mar.01, 2015, under Humor

Hello, Corporate America, Corporate World.

This will be your sole official notice that any person, place or thing requiring that I agree to a set of Terms of Service (TOS) or suchlike, where the weasel-wording is 27 scrolls below the bottom of that tiny box, also jointly and severally agree to the Terms of Eternal Servitude items below.

“Company” is a generic term for any provider I might choose to do business with, past, present or future.

1. Everything that comes into my world from Company belongs to me. If Company has placed some promotion directly in my path such as on the Internet or any other media stream to make me aware of any offering, Company has therefore placed it in my inalienable, personal and totally private world.

2. Company expressly agrees that I signed your TOS under practical duress.

3. Any terms of service on the part of Company that either take too long to read, are illegible, or contain language requiring a major law firm to decipher, will sever that clause from any agreement I make with Company.

3. If Company should try to bind me to a 2-year or any other time-based contract for any media or Internet service, I have the full and indisputable right to sever the contract by cutting off funds to Company with no repercussions.

4. I respect the right of Company to make money or other consideration from valuable products or services, but not through means of hoodwinking me with “legal” language.

Thank you for your attention. How far did you have to scroll?

Are you aware that the IRS has a TOS expressed in some 77,000 pages of tax code? They are totally severed.

Signed into Universal Law at 8:25:37 on 26 April 2015.

Paintdrop

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Dyslexia Patrol Spots Cure for Being Single

by on Aug.05, 2011, under Humor

Cure For Singleitis Found at Popular Drug Mart

Singles Shots Now Available!

Bored? Lackluster? Ill at Ease in Crowds? Single? There is a new fix for that, and you won’t believe how easy this is! And for the needle-averse, it’s now available as a spray!

Now before your worst fears are realized, it cures singleness without singling out (so to speak) marriage as the only solution… that’s right, it simply gets you into a couple fast, without documentation, waiting periods, or any picky hetero requirements.

Laboratory tests have shown that this Miracle Cure lasts at least as long as real marriage! Yes, on the average, you can expect to be paired up for as much as 7 count ’em 7 years, the length of a typical first marriage in the U.S. And, if you have already been together in a couple, your RE (relationship expectancy) goes way up!

Think of it! One spritz from this innocuous-seeming spray bottle fixes you up for life as we know it. There are, however some Dos and Don’ts.

DON’T SPRAY…

…in the presence of relatives closer than second cousin

…in the presence of ex-partners living or dead

…in the presence of your best friend’s Significant Other

…in a bar or drinking establishment

…when you are over the legal limit

Be Safe! Have Fun! Go Forth and Multiply! (Or divide if you are any form of one-celled life.)

 

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Pundits: Possible Site for Gitmo Detainee Time Trials: Vancouver Olympics

by on Jan.31, 2010, under Humor

First Practice Run for Gitmo HopefulWASHINGTON (AD) Staring down a January deadline, President Obama has found a possible solution to holding time trials for Guantanamo Bay detainees: a third option, the Vancouver Olympics.

“Time is of the essence,” said the President, referring in one breath to his campaign promise to close the prison on the military base in Cuba, and the need for fairness of the outcome.
“Many hours of tense but amicable secret meetings have led to this possibility,” he added.

Kahlid Mohamed, sometimes referred to by his initials KSM, shared a good laugh with the President on hearing of the possible outcome. “My middle name isn’t Shred for nothing. I rule in men’s downhill.”

Sir Isaac Newton’s patented Force of Gravity and the terrorist’s girth nodded in tacit agreement at this jab.

“It will all be uphill for people like him,” Obaba replied with a fatherly scowl, “but there may be a hidden advantage to doing it this way. If the temperatures in Vancouver drop low enough, it may add momentum to our spending freeze.”

The image of dozens of Guantanamo Bay detainees slipping and sliding down the slopes had federal prosecutors nodding sagely, but civil rights groups were up in arms.

“The idea of having men who have never seen snow their entire lives compete for their freedom in alpine ski events is ludicrous,” the Chairman of the ASPCA shot back.

But there were tempering views as well. Snowboard champion Shaun Beige pointed out that he often practiced on sand dunes in Californa summers. “It is completely fair. The detainees are only competing against the clock.”

“Or the calendar,” one potentially snide but reliable source supplied on condition of anonymity. “After all, these guys know they aren’t in Kansas anymore.”

Unrelated story.

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Palin Enters Self in Tidy Bowl Sweeps, Says She’s a Winner!

by on Jan.31, 2010, under Humor

Sarah Pail-out, the alternative faux politician

Palin Enters Self in Tidy Bowl Sweeps, Determined To Win!

You can say it started right here. Who will win the Tidy-Bowl Sweepstakes for 2010?

At that real Bowl game, what is it… oh yes I keep forgetting because it is so SUPER. At the start of Super Bowl halftime, February 7, 2010, the winner will be selected from the votes entered in comments on this site. America first! Everyone is a write-in candidate!

You can even vote yourself off the island!

But you can do better, way better. Yeah! Pick the politician or faux public servant of your choice (the one you would rid the planet of if given absolute power) and ENTER. Just type the name, spelled correctly if possible, into a comment below this story and hit the GO button.

We are just using Sarah Palin as an example! Because her appeal is so… unique n stuff.

At the end of the game, a loud flushing sound and fake screams will be heard from one end of the Internet to the other, we will all have a good laff and go about our business, secure in the fact that this is a Freaking Free Country and we have the First Amendment. Yes we do. We got it by sending cereal boxtops to Battle Creek Michigan in prehysterical times.

But now it is time to reveal the source of the unease you feel whenever you see the name… PALIN.

PALIN – L = PAIN

That’s right kiddies, the subliminal message is PAIN. That is the coded message Conservatives are sending to the world and deep into Outer Space. They took the word PAIN and stuck an L smack in the middle as a disguise. And there you are! PAIN for you and your kiddies.

But the irony does not end there! No! Where did they get the L they used for the clever disguise? L is for LEFT of course! Oh the humanity!

When will we get it? Oh, about the time enough of us figure out that some ideas are just plain bad juju.

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Toyota Recall: Does This Memory Problem Affect Your Toyota???

by on Jan.28, 2010, under Humor

2009_toyota_recall

Does your Toyota Remember Who It Can Turn To? Toyota Recall Announcement Turns Up Memory Difficulties In Some Models

NEW YORK — Toyota has announced that 2.3 million vehicles have developed memory problems. This recall failure affects some of America’s most popular cars. Toyota recently stated it will stop making those models while it works to remember how to fix the problem.

Wow.

But to make matters even more confusing to your Toyota, most cars having this recall issue were already involved in an earlier, unrelated problem involving gas pedals sticking on floor mats. Your Toyota will become insecure if it thinks it is doing something wrong.

What can you do to help your Toyota?

  1. First, be calm if your Toyota does not remember who you are. Becoming excited can have negative effects on your Toyota, like forgetting to slow down.
  2. Express your love and admiration for your Toyota in this difficult time in its young life.
  3. Mention counselling. Your Toyota may first rebel at the thought of seeing a shrink, so take your time.
  4. Talk about the old times. Many Toyotas have better recollection of events that happened earlier in their lives. It will build confidence if the two of you can just talk. Drive by the showroom where you first met. It will bring many pleasureable connections.
  5. Know the risks. Approximately 50% of Toyota owners with recall problems will become clinically depressed, but there are many resources to help both the owner and the Toyota. One place to start is the FAA, or Feline Altzheimer’s Association. They have tips and small food treats.
  6. Reassure your Toyota. Let it know it is loved and can continue to live at home during treatment.

This memory problem affects specific RAV4, Corolla, Matrix, Avalon, Highlander, Tundra, Sequoia, and some Camrys. None of those snooty Lexus or uppity Scion models are involved. They remember who their owners are!

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Steve Jobs Swallows Tablet, World Gets Heartburn

by on Jan.27, 2010, under Humor

Jobs Takes World's Largest Tablet - Click for MoreThat Steve Jobs is poised to take a tablet today could be Silicon Valley‘s worst-kept secret. An Apple tablet has been speculated on for months, certainly well before Apple invited the press to San Francisco Wednesday to “Come see our latest source of gastric distress.”

If the burbling rumors indeed turn out to be true, and indeed they might or might not, a multimedia-rich Aspirin tablet, taken internally, could have the same mammoth effect on publishing and media as the iPod and iTunes had on digital music. What’s more, the iPad, iSlate, iDon’tKnow, or ‘whatever’ Apple’s new device is called could bring fresh heartburn into a tablet market that’s barely seen a burp until now.

The dastardly secret is, and you heard it here first, is that it REALLY IS a “tablet”. Yes, you swallow it. Hook, line, and sinker.

Then, your vision becomes equipped with a HUD display. Just like in the mining center control room of Avatar. Just like in the situation room of Minority Report.

You can see the projected screen (on the inside of your eyeballs) but no one else can. Just like in Virtual Reality, you reach out and gesture at the visual illusion to control it.

The rumor that Tablet users look like sleepwalkers groping their way down the streets of Silly Valley is completely unfounded. They are just looking for the damn off switch, which is mentioned in the 3134-page user manual. The user manual was out of print at press time.

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231-mph wind gust is no longer world’s fastest – Sarah Palin Most Powerful Airbag

by on Jan.27, 2010, under Humor

232 MPH New Wind Gust RecordCONCORD, N.H. – First the Old Man, now the Big Wind. New Hampshire’s Mount Washington has lost its distinction as the site of the fastest wind gust ever recorded on Earth, officials at the Mount Washington Observatory said Tuesday.

The concession came three days after Sarah Palin delivered the Real State of the Union Address at a Krispy Kreme shop in Wheel Barrow, Alaska.

That also tops the 231 mph record set atop Mount Washington on April 12, 1934.

What else really needs to be said? What we are witnessing here is a true American Statesman spinning the bearings off an anamometer. This is what real windbags are all about.

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GM to sell a Saab – Car Sales Finally Pick Up!

by on Jan.27, 2010, under Humor

1961 Saab 96

After months, GM finally sells a SaaB

DETROIT (AP) — They said it Couldn’t Be Done! U.S. auto giant General Motors Co. has defied the current downturn of the U.S. automobile market by selling the cutest little runabout ever — this baby-blue Saab 96, which has hung around a New Jersey showroom since 1961.

GM signed a deal Tuesday to sell the Saab (pronounced S-O-B) to Spyker Cars NV for $74 million in cash plus $326 million worth of preferred shares.

Pundits called it the most expensive car ever sold on the planet, more expensive than the ATV Tree-Killer in James Cameron’s Avatar. But hey, that was on Pandora.

The sale is a possible lifeline for GM.

But don’t hold your breath! Times being what they are, the finance companies have to get into the act. So… the deal hinges on a $550 million loan from the European Investment Bank.

This may not go through, as a secretary at the giant automaker was recently found to have accepted a donut from her boss on the way into work last Thursday, which may violate the new caps on executive bonuses.

But who will drive the World’s Most Expensive Car? Word on the street (literally imprinted into the sidewalk on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame) is that automotive enthusiast Jay Leno may hand over the Tonight Show to Senator Joe Lieberman so he can spend quality time with the frisky runabout.

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